constellationprize | [imeeji] INBOX

I really -

[ an inhale, ]

Because of that tag, I really . . .

[ the pause before she continues is a lengthy one. it isn't that she doesn't want to tell him - she doesn't want to hide things from him when he asks, she doesn't want to reject him, but the thought of him knowing - that she was made to experience something so ugly, certainly, but that she could and had, had had that sort of feeling for even a moment, calls up bile to her throat, tenses it vise-like.

so, she can't. she can't not, but she can't. she wheezes, almost, painfully as if winded, her eyes squeezing shut, body taut.

and grip on his hand tight enough to rival the tenseness of her throat, eventually she murmurs - voice hoarse by this point on the edge of tears, so soft he may need to strain his ears. as if murmuring some sort of curse, something forbidden, pained and hesitant all at once, ]

Hated - everything, after that . . .

Edited (it needed like 90% more anxiety please understand) 2020-01-14 04:39 (UTC)

[ i understand

Listening quietly, and then he's quiet for a long time after that. Finally, ]

Are you afraid of yourself? Or perhaps, afraid of those feelings?

[ murmurs an affirmative noise. it's both. all. ]

I don't want . . . even though I know - . . . he said, if I wanted to understand, then . . .

. . .

Do you want to go meet with a member of Heart Soldier Senshi, right now?

[ looks up at him finally, eyes decidedly moist with tears ]

Why...?

Because -

[ with some pause, his eyebrows knit together ]

. . .

That person lied to you - about understanding him.

I don't understand...

[ someone would just do that? Come to imeeji and tell lies?

Joking aside she sniffles, squeezing her eyes shut again for just a moment, to clear the tears out ]

Do you want to go...?

. . . To be honest, I don't.

[ moving to wipe at her face with his sleeve ]

It's nothing but unpleasant for the person who I would share my heart with. But -

You must understand, that person lied. . . or rather, he didn't tell the whole truth. He told you only what he wanted to tell you, for his own purposes.

[ ... leans into the contact, slower than usual, some hesitation to it, but she's - relieved beyond her own ability to grasp at the reception still, that she hasn't been rejected ]

... If you don't want to go there, then we could... instead . . .

. . . Do you want to tell me, instead...?

. . . It's difficult for me to speak of it, as well.

[ with a wry smile ]

But, alright. In terms of how he portrayed it - what he showed you is, mmm . . . That's a little like how Avenger feels.

[ oh.

That makes sense. There's a look of recognition on her face - she seems to get the way it tracks almost immediately, but she stays quiet, just focused on listening, carefully.

Her grip on him's loosened too as she calms, thumb rubbing slow circles over his knuckles, soothing ]

[ taking a deep breath, before he speaks in a distant sort of tone, a storytelling voice ]

When a person has endured something, to the point of breaking - what remains is often a curse. When it is beyond human comprehension, then that curse is impossible to lift.

. . . In truth, Avenger and I are very similar people. That hatred is something we share - that class of his, is one that I am capable of being summoned in as well.

However, I am not an Avenger - and, neither is that person.

[ nods. she didn't think to ask cael's class, but if that's how it works . . . ]

Then there was...

[ rubs at her throat with her free hand, wincing ]

. . . Even if you feel that way, you still love everyone too, don't you...? Even if there are things that you can't forgive, and things you...

Things that you hate - . . . you can't let go of your love any more than you could get rid of that feeling . . .

[ and then there's a pause, hesitant ]

. . . Right?

[ oh - moving to pour her a cup of tea, we have forgotten to take the leaves out ]

Right. I couldn't get rid of that even if I wanted to, and it's the same for him.

[ actually he doesn't know what class caelestis is but whatever ]

Even so, I'm sure . . . He was angry, so he lashed out like that, to try to make you think poorly of him - and poorly of me, maybe.

[ taking it in her free hand, but not drinking just yet. mulling that over, thoughtful ]

He . . .

Is it okay for me to ask something...?

Mm, go ahead.

If we were separated - ... the two of us, or you and Doodle, or Intensity, or... the way that we're separated from Whisky now . . .

If you were separated from someone like that, what would you do?

. . . Mmmm.

If I needed to wait, I would wait for you. If I could look for you, then I would look for you.

I probably wouldn't stop until I found you - and, in all that time, I'd pray to see you again.

Mm. I think - . . .

It's like that. Even if you're similar, you aren't the same, are you...? That boy ... for you . . . since then, you've had lots of different Masters, and you've met lots of people, but he - ... I don't think...

... Other than that person that he met, who he lost - and other than his anger, I think - he was alone, other than that, so a place like this -

I don't think he could endure it . . .

[ a pause, to take a breath ]

Even when that tag . . . even though that happened, it didn't get rid of anything that was there before, so I...

[ with a soft sound ]

Right. ... I suspect as much, too. He is, in other words, a younger version of myself . . .

Even so, my words are true. I know what sort of person I was, when I first came into the world as a Servant.

Mm. I think . . . I think I understand.

[ and save for her hands - holding the cup, holding his hand - she just sort of slumps over onto him, tension fading from her body all at once ]

I'm sorry...

[ :o

forehead flick ]

[ just like

grunts, face scrunching up ]

Why?

About - ... because I... having those feelings...

[ ostensibly this is "sorry I experienced the emotion of hatred for like 12 hours" but it's muffled and her throat's raw and also she is stupid ]

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I tricked myself

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