constellationprize | [imeeji] INBOX

[ quiet for a long moment - perhaps stunningly, this might be the first time she's rejected him, and it hurts but it's angering, more than anything; he's angrier with himself by the second, and despite the delineation between himself and his other self that he'd just insisted on, he finds it entirely too easy to attribute all the blame to himself. ]

. . . Mmm.

[ with closed eyes and a smile, before he turns to his food ]

I'm looking forward to it. Thank you.

. . . I'm sorry -

[ quickly correcting herself ]

I know I've been... even though you let me stay here, I've been really...

Letting you stay here? This room is just as much your home as it is mine. You're always welcome here.

But, I should be - I'm really happy to be here, but I don't . . .

[ an inhale, ]

... I'm making you worry a lot, aren't I...?

Mmmm.

[ there's a pause, ]

No, not particularly.

[

soft, ]

... Even though I'm like this?

Mmm. You can be like that as long as you need - but you're alive, and you aren't in danger, so I'm thankful enough for that.

I -

[ glances to him briefly, face tight, eyes moist as if on the edge of tears, ]

Mm. I'm glad you're okay . . .

[ and then she averts her eyes. after a while she murmurs, quiet as if ashamed, frustrated, ]

... I don't know what to do.

. . .

[ softly ]

Mmm. I don't know what to do, either.

I - I'm really . . . I like being here... compared to being at home by myself - being with you is a lot better, but I'm - I don't know why . . .

... Even though I'm really happy, I don't know... he didn't do anything to hurt me, and I know - I know the paper is what made me feel like that, but - even though I know that, I'm still - I can do it, a little, but it always . . . I don't know how to calm down . . .

. . . Were you scared, then?

[ shakes her head lightly ]

I was just worried about you two - . . . I saw Doodle there and he was sleeping too, and - that other you, too... I was really worried about him too, so I wasn't... I don't really remember...

And after that paper was used, I ended up really . . .

[ angry? no, that's not really the right word. in the time it takes her to recall the right descriptor she's lost the nerve to say it, so she trails off. ]

[ encouraging, soft ]

Really . . . ?

I really -

[ an inhale, ]

Because of that tag, I really . . .

[ the pause before she continues is a lengthy one. it isn't that she doesn't want to tell him - she doesn't want to hide things from him when he asks, she doesn't want to reject him, but the thought of him knowing - that she was made to experience something so ugly, certainly, but that she could and had, had had that sort of feeling for even a moment, calls up bile to her throat, tenses it vise-like.

so, she can't. she can't not, but she can't. she wheezes, almost, painfully as if winded, her eyes squeezing shut, body taut.

and grip on his hand tight enough to rival the tenseness of her throat, eventually she murmurs - voice hoarse by this point on the edge of tears, so soft he may need to strain his ears. as if murmuring some sort of curse, something forbidden, pained and hesitant all at once, ]

Hated - everything, after that . . .

Edited (it needed like 90% more anxiety please understand) 2020-01-14 04:39 (UTC)

[ i understand

Listening quietly, and then he's quiet for a long time after that. Finally, ]

Are you afraid of yourself? Or perhaps, afraid of those feelings?

[ murmurs an affirmative noise. it's both. all. ]

I don't want . . . even though I know - . . . he said, if I wanted to understand, then . . .

. . .

Do you want to go meet with a member of Heart Soldier Senshi, right now?

[ looks up at him finally, eyes decidedly moist with tears ]

Why...?

Because -

[ with some pause, his eyebrows knit together ]

. . .

That person lied to you - about understanding him.

I don't understand...

[ someone would just do that? Come to imeeji and tell lies?

Joking aside she sniffles, squeezing her eyes shut again for just a moment, to clear the tears out ]

Do you want to go...?

. . . To be honest, I don't.

[ moving to wipe at her face with his sleeve ]

It's nothing but unpleasant for the person who I would share my heart with. But -

You must understand, that person lied. . . or rather, he didn't tell the whole truth. He told you only what he wanted to tell you, for his own purposes.

[ ... leans into the contact, slower than usual, some hesitation to it, but she's - relieved beyond her own ability to grasp at the reception still, that she hasn't been rejected ]

... If you don't want to go there, then we could... instead . . .

. . . Do you want to tell me, instead...?

. . . It's difficult for me to speak of it, as well.

[ with a wry smile ]

But, alright. In terms of how he portrayed it - what he showed you is, mmm . . . That's a little like how Avenger feels.

[ oh.

That makes sense. There's a look of recognition on her face - she seems to get the way it tracks almost immediately, but she stays quiet, just focused on listening, carefully.

Her grip on him's loosened too as she calms, thumb rubbing slow circles over his knuckles, soothing ]

[ taking a deep breath, before he speaks in a distant sort of tone, a storytelling voice ]

When a person has endured something, to the point of breaking - what remains is often a curse. When it is beyond human comprehension, then that curse is impossible to lift.

. . . In truth, Avenger and I are very similar people. That hatred is something we share - that class of his, is one that I am capable of being summoned in as well.

However, I am not an Avenger - and, neither is that person.

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I tricked myself

ganba

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