constellationprize | [imeeji] INBOX

[ but her heart still swells with warmth at it despite not entirely understanding, at hearing him call her his wife, enough so to melt away the most immediate lingering nerves

and she gets, at least - that she's married to him, and not cael, so, ]

Well... today, too - I don't belong to anyone here except for you, right...?

[ e,

embarrassed, ]

. . . Right. You -

[ softer ]

Dia-san is mine, so . . .

[ h

he's so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute so cute s ]

. . . Can you come over here...?

[ pausing - stiff, perhaps out of embarrassment, perhaps because of the earlier revelation, but the stiffness passes and he's scooting over to her ]

[ there's some stiffness to her as well, some anxiety still even through her brain melting and dribbling out her ear as is its wont, but her mood is so much lighter already compared to much of the rest of the night she thinks and she's determined, it'd seem, to move on, to stop hurting him -

the mistake last time she's sure was trying to kiss his mouth so immediately, so she aims lower here, leaning in to press her lips to his throat, a hand reaching to take his in hers ]

[ -

flustered, his breath quickening ]

D-Dia-san - ?

[ murmured against him too softly to really glean her mood from her voice, but he can feel some stiffness still in her hand ]

. . . Is this okay...?

. . . It's fine . . .

[ with an almost hoarse quality to his voice ]

. . . But - uhm -

Probably . . . We should eat, right?

[ kisses a little lower, brief but tender ]

Do you want to do it right now...? If you want to, then we can warm the rice up later - I don't mind . . .

[ ^ someone who has forgotten the tea has been steeping and has probably long since gotten bitter ]

Edited 2020-01-12 23:45 (UTC)

. . . Mmm.

[ closing his eyes briefly, face already flushed red ]

I think . . .

Mmm. If Dia-san wants to . . . I do, want to . . .

[ frowns against him just a bit, fingers curling in slightly over his own, nerves ebbing back in just a bit the longer she sits, the more time she has to actually think about it ]

. . . Mm. Well -

[ she wants to, her own desire and affection haven't faded at all, even sharpened by her determination to be better finally, to keep him from worrying, by the day and his scent and his softness, but. after the things that she thought about him, after everything that happened,

she can't seem to keep her head entirely straight. is any of this really okay?

she inhales deep, shuddering against him - and then pulls away, sitting up. they - ]

. . . You're right too, aren't you...?

Even if you can't get hungry, I'm sure you're really excited to have the chestnuts. ... Let's eat first, okay?

[ quiet for a long moment - perhaps stunningly, this might be the first time she's rejected him, and it hurts but it's angering, more than anything; he's angrier with himself by the second, and despite the delineation between himself and his other self that he'd just insisted on, he finds it entirely too easy to attribute all the blame to himself. ]

. . . Mmm.

[ with closed eyes and a smile, before he turns to his food ]

I'm looking forward to it. Thank you.

. . . I'm sorry -

[ quickly correcting herself ]

I know I've been... even though you let me stay here, I've been really...

Letting you stay here? This room is just as much your home as it is mine. You're always welcome here.

But, I should be - I'm really happy to be here, but I don't . . .

[ an inhale, ]

... I'm making you worry a lot, aren't I...?

Mmmm.

[ there's a pause, ]

No, not particularly.

[

soft, ]

... Even though I'm like this?

Mmm. You can be like that as long as you need - but you're alive, and you aren't in danger, so I'm thankful enough for that.

I -

[ glances to him briefly, face tight, eyes moist as if on the edge of tears, ]

Mm. I'm glad you're okay . . .

[ and then she averts her eyes. after a while she murmurs, quiet as if ashamed, frustrated, ]

... I don't know what to do.

. . .

[ softly ]

Mmm. I don't know what to do, either.

I - I'm really . . . I like being here... compared to being at home by myself - being with you is a lot better, but I'm - I don't know why . . .

... Even though I'm really happy, I don't know... he didn't do anything to hurt me, and I know - I know the paper is what made me feel like that, but - even though I know that, I'm still - I can do it, a little, but it always . . . I don't know how to calm down . . .

. . . Were you scared, then?

[ shakes her head lightly ]

I was just worried about you two - . . . I saw Doodle there and he was sleeping too, and - that other you, too... I was really worried about him too, so I wasn't... I don't really remember...

And after that paper was used, I ended up really . . .

[ angry? no, that's not really the right word. in the time it takes her to recall the right descriptor she's lost the nerve to say it, so she trails off. ]

[ encouraging, soft ]

Really . . . ?

I really -

[ an inhale, ]

Because of that tag, I really . . .

[ the pause before she continues is a lengthy one. it isn't that she doesn't want to tell him - she doesn't want to hide things from him when he asks, she doesn't want to reject him, but the thought of him knowing - that she was made to experience something so ugly, certainly, but that she could and had, had had that sort of feeling for even a moment, calls up bile to her throat, tenses it vise-like.

so, she can't. she can't not, but she can't. she wheezes, almost, painfully as if winded, her eyes squeezing shut, body taut.

and grip on his hand tight enough to rival the tenseness of her throat, eventually she murmurs - voice hoarse by this point on the edge of tears, so soft he may need to strain his ears. as if murmuring some sort of curse, something forbidden, pained and hesitant all at once, ]

Hated - everything, after that . . .

Edited (it needed like 90% more anxiety please understand) 2020-01-14 04:39 (UTC)

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